Bygones would be bygones, the past would always be the past. But the thoughts from that time still lingers in my head, terrorising my mind. A short story about me and my past, now, try not to fall asleep :)

Around the start of secondary 2 year, felt that the hormones inside me started to have a reaction change. I started to fancy girls and took notice of my appearance. Then one of my good friend introduced me the so-called master of all instant messengers, the mIRC. Told me that I could find whoever person I wanted to talk to without showing 'my face that gone so wrong'. So I joined a few channels, hook up some strangers I did not even saw before and started chatting. "Hey, not too bad for a rookie!". I grew bolder. I started to pick up girls from other schools' channels. Chatted with this girl. I forgot what was her nickname, and she told me she wanted to meet me.

I froze a while. I didn't know what to say but I told myself "Why not? Just go there and introduce yourself when you meet her." Then the date was set.

It was around April that time. We decided on a place and that dreadful day came. I did not know what was in fashion at that time so I came with T-shirt, out-of-fashion type of jeans, a bag and OMG! Sandals! Then met her, she was with her friends, about 7 of them and me? Only one man soldier. She saw me with her friends, all pretended not to see me. I was kinda shocked at that time because how was I supposed to go there when they are about 20 pair of eyes staring at me. NO! My maths did not fail! Some had spectacles on!

So I looked at her and her big group of friends from a far distance and they walked away. End of the day, headed back home. She SMSed me this, "Hey, I think I do not really like you. You were so rude and what not. I do not wish to see you again. Lets break off our contact." It was roughly about like that. My reaction was.... I was stunned. Did not utter a word the whole day after that. I could not understand why she said that. I was asking myself dumb-fricking questions like "Was I not good enough? Was I not handsome enough? Was I not tall enough? Was I not initiative enough?" Depression and suicidal thoughts came after that. My self-confidence was crushed to ground zero and my self-esteem was smashed to bits. Never would I forget this incident but I already forgotten this girl. Never did attempt to contact her after that.

Yea, most of you probably think that I deserved it, that I deserved to have my ego destroyed and never be repaired again. Laugh if you want. My life was and still is like that, sucks to the core. "Play with fire and you are going to get burnt." It referred to the mIRC. Up til now, I still am trying to fix that broken, shattered and battered esteem.

Well, that was just one part of my history. Interested to know more can drop me a message. Enough of me speaking crap can also drop me a message.

Oh, and by the way, in case you were asking why I brought all this up. Let me tell you. My friend recently told me all his experiences with the girls he met up on internet. No, not what you think. It wasn't sex. In fact, it was just purely getting to know them sincerely. How he does that? Through messenging and brought up the master messenger, mIRC. I addressed him as Master Qui Gon as he was all tactful in talking to the other gender. Oh well.... he does have the skill.

Luckily, today I did some swimming and some walking. Went to Sunshine Plaza to deliver 2 tapes and asked the company there to convert to Beta SP for my colleague. Now, where the hell is Sunshine Plaza?! I only heard Sunshine bread!!!!! It's at Bencoolen Street. Oh, I get it. Walked myself there, passing by all the huge buildings and the busy crowded streets. First off, I walked the wrong direction and then back to The Bencoolen and found my way to Sunshine Plaza from there. Dropped off the tape, and took a small window-shopping at Sunshine Plaza, shops building. Wow, lots of shops there which actually interest me, from games, figurines to digital printing and some beautifully done artwork. Great, found myself another shopping centre to browse when I'm super bored.

After work was the swimming. Heavy clouds loomed over the sky. Do I care? No, I don't. Took MRT to Redhill and into Delta Swimming Complex. The chilly winds cutting through my flesh, biting it off. I saw some girl in blue bikini looking at me while I was getting into the pool though, wondered if I looked real funny. Strong winds blow currents towards me or the left and right, hindering my swimming pace. Then, knocked my left foot into the wall, injuring my knee. Hows that for strong winds and heavy clouds? You deserved it again Chin Heng. Took an extra effort to finish at least 25 laps before making me way out of the pool and back home. Thankfully that took about 4/5 of my entire energy, making myself less energy to think some self-destructive thoughts.

Then came a small drizzle. I still managed to get to the temporary Redhill market to have my dinner. Ordered curry rice and soya bean drink. These are apparently famous inside this market. The soya bean drink was fantastic. After all that, I saw some elderly man playing the "Er Hu". The tune was melcholic, sad and depressing. People sat around him, listened attentively to the music and kept silent.

I don't know, maybe I'm just tired and sick of being lonely. Not really girlfriend sense but as in people contacting me and asking me out. Everytime there was a SMS or a incoming call to my handphone, I always got curious and quickly took out who was the one who called or SMSed. I was happily pressing the buttons on my phone, eager to know who was the one. But... my handphone... is just too silent..... I felt abit unwanted. Like some trash. I have suicidal thoughts. But, the 4/5 of my energy says "You F***ing moron! Go out there and get a life! You shitty piece of crap! It doesn't matter how they think of you! Just go to them and ask them! Accept the rejections!" Ironically, accepting the rejecting.

There. Thats how I'm still here, writing my blog.