Alright... I'm in a better frame of mind now so I better start penning some thoughts down and also something to share with all.

Ok.. In chronological order...

I recently found a small booklet titled "What On Earth Am I Here For?" in my bunk where it accommdated the ex-store CQ. Yup you guess its right, it has something to do with the original book "Purpose Driven Life". Maybe the ex-CQ is a christian thats why the book was there? Maybe. But for now, I don't want to search for the reason. I'm looking for answers. And I want answers now.

So I took this book with me to guard duty. During the free time, I read the first 3 chapters of the book and I couldn't continue anymore because I was totally blown away but such a measy, forgotten-in-the-shelf type of small booklet. If anyone wants to know what their purpose on the Earth is should grab a copy of Purpose Driven Life.

There are alot of small topics on how people want to know about their life but now I'm going to touch on one such topic. The book explains how people lives are driven by resentment. That means, the person couldn't forget and forgive what other people bad actions had affected him. I was such a good example. I was driven by resentment and I couldn't forget yet alone forgive my past. Its a very very very long story but I won't say what it was, but what happened was devasting and I had social phobia for a while. I didn't really want to talk to anybody (especially females because its a female who caused this) and I lost all 100 percent of confidence during that period.

Nevertheless, until the present day I still remembered what happened.
But I was able to forgive the incident and tried hard to forget but it was tough. Luckily, I escaped from social phobia and able to be back at my normal self but still lost all confidence. I felt I was a fluke. But reading this book made me felt better, I felt I was a person with a purpose. Still, my confidence level is like a roller coaster ride and mostly it's at its lowest point. I had issues I couldn't solve. Time made me forgive but couldn't bring back that 100 percent confidence I once had. I tried to borrow the original book from my friend and he agreed to lend it to me. Yay. Hopefully, more answers would be revealed.

Hmm... Went for night cycling with pals and it was my 2nd night cycling thus far. I'm still noob! Haha. Only a few weeks of cycling experience. I really liked the feeling of being crashed into something and left unscathed. Yeah, I'm a little nuts in the head.
Then, I almost got ran down by a van while heading to friend's birthday and gave Qiao Yun a big big scare. Haha. Sorry.

Ok, the main and last part of this journal, last Sunday's sermon. If you know me well enough, I won't even comment on sermons at all because I really couldn't find anything to say about it. But this time, I have something to say. In fact, alot of things to say.

Last Sunday sermon, if you all still remembered, was about grading yourself. And yes, I was constantly and subconsciously grade myself in everything I do. I expect high standards for myself and after I done something, I would grade myself. If the outcome was bad, I felt I didn't even reach 40/100, but if it was good, then maybe 70/100 would suffice. I was grading myself so much that time after time after time, I didn't even realise it and thus feeling I'm the biggest loser with a big 'L' when I blew it. I judge myself too much. When I thought I was this, this and this, it remained this, this and this. No words of comfort couldn't make me think I wasn't this, this and this because in my mind, it had decided that I am this, this and this and I pondered for things a long time. (I am a heavy and deep thinker.)

And things to add on, I was always comparing myself with others and most of them I felt I wasn't good enough for this person and that person and couldn't even be in the same league with this professional. But luckily God don't see how good you are to judge you...