Enz had just reached a huge milestone in his life, age 21. End of teen years, start of adulthood. Birthday at his place was whack, totally... His balcony is actually a studyplace with a double decker bed and his brother has this studio room, though small, but professionally done with numerous monitors, plugged in speakers, video digitizer with a cool-looking CPU. If only I have such a studio... Tons of food (as usual!) with tons of presents received. I still love the timewatch from Final Fantasy X.

Supposed to have a clubbing session with drinking but all cancelled... Damn... I would have thought that if drinking would make me feel better... but looks like I didn't have the chance to. My mind, time after time, had been played by the demonic king, Satan, himself. I felt like a thousand pounds poorer, most of the time when the mind goes idle...

SATAN: Dude, that was pathetic... what you did was uncalled for? What the fuck were you thinking?

ME: I do not know...

SATAN: You're fugly.

ME: Yes I am.

SATAN: You're fat.

ME: Yes.

SATAN: You're short that nobody gives a fuck about you.

ME: Yeah.

SATAN: No girls like you.

ME: How sadly true...

SATAN: You will never ever get someone to like you...

ME: True too...

SATAN: You're poor and nobody gives a shit about you...

ME:... I guess so...

SATAN: Join me!

ME: ... ... I..'ll see about that...


After some time, the shitty feeling comes back and I can't shrug it off. I seriously felt I am a fucking loser with no life. The past hurts, the past afflictions still haunt me whatever I do, they still cling onto me... The times where women always lied to me, I still remembered it clearly...

Have I forgave them?

I'm not sure...

Too much lies, too much hurts, too much, just too much... After all these, I just pretty much lost confidence in finding the right one, in fact, there wasn't even an ONE in the first place. Firstly, I'm a poor fuck, nobody likes that. Secondly, I'm fugly and short, well, women states they want to go for guys who are drop dead gorgeous right, who are suited in their categories of Prince Charming? Lastly, I'm not the one that stands out from a group of people. If one of the guy friends and me like a particular someone, I would definetly lose out... Hell sure about that...

My mind has always appeared images of the future that was unhealthy. Rejects, no jobs, can't even fucking enlist to university.... Why? Who? Satan? Or do I allow it? But I will live, 'What does not kill me makes me stronger...' I want to survive for those motherfuckers in my unit, to show what I am capable of.

People assumed I am someone who seeks attention by writing such things, they assumed... Thats because deep down, they don't really know me. I mean who had experienced the exact same afflictions as I do? Who got lied and made used of courtless times? I still had the image of the facial expressions of women I talked to, they looked simply disgusted with me...

Mentally unhealthy, thats what they say. Oh hell, I don't think I give a fucking piece of shit what people think of me anymore... They can go suck their puny asses...



Ah... I feel better already...